messimade's Blog

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Chops"

because that was the name of his dog

 

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and a gold star

And his mother hung it on the kitchen door

and read it to his aunts

That was the year Father Tracy

took all the kids to the zoo

 

And he let them sing on the bus

And his little sister was born

with tiny toenails and no hair

And his mother and father kissed a lot

And the girl around the corner sent him a

Valentine signed with a row of X's

 

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant

And his father always tucked him in bed at night

And was always there to do it

 

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Autumn"

 

because that was the name of the season

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and asked him to write more clearly

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because of its new paint

 

And the kids told him

that Father Tracy smoked cigars

And left butts on the pews

And sometimes they would burn holes

That was the year his sister got glasses

with thick lenses and black frames

And the girl around the corner laughed

 

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus

And the kids told him why

his mother and father kissed a lot

And his father never tucked him in bed at night

And his father got mad

when he cried for him to do it.

 

 

Once on a paper torn from his notebook

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Innocence: A Question"

because that was the question about his girl

And that's what it was all about

And his professor gave him an A

 

and a strange steady look

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because he never showed her

That was the year that Father Tracy died

And he forgot how the end

of the Apostle's Creed went

 

And he caught his sister

making out on the back porch

And his mother and father never kissed

or even talked

And the girl around the corner

wore too much makeup

That made him cough when he kissed her

 

but he kissed her anyway

because that was the thing to do

And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed

his father snoring soundly

 

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag

he tried another poem

 

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Because that's what it was really all about

And he gave himself an A

and a slash on each damned wrist

And he hung it on the bathroom door

because this time he didn't think

 

he could reach the kitchen

My mood: extremely inspired

YOU’RE SITTING AT YOUR DESK, AND YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO GO. YOU’VE SAID THAT TO YOURSELF OVER A MILLION TIMES, BUT THIS TIME YOU KNOW, FOR SURE, IS REAL. YOU’RE TIRED… YOU’RE JUST SO VERY TIRED. YOU’RE PARENTS PISSED YOU OFF, LIKE SCHOOL WASN’T BAD ENOUGH TODAY. YOU GO TO GET THE ROPE, OR THE KNIFE, OR THE GUN OR WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO USE BECAUSE YOU’RE THAT DESPERATE TO LEAVE. YOU’RE READY. YOU THINK OF IT AS SOME GAME… THE FIRST ONE DEAD IS THE ONE WHO WINS. NO ONES HOME, IT’S THE PERFECT TIME. YOU’RE READY. IF YOU DON’T DO IT NOW, YOU’RE GONNA LOOK DOWN ON YOURSELF EVEN MORE, FOREVER. YOU’RE GOING TO HATE YOURSELF EVEN MORE. NO ONE KNOWS, NO ONE WILL KNOW… UNTIL LATER ON. INSTEAD OF GETTING A PAPER AND A PEN, YOU GET THE VIDEO CAMERA, ALONG WITH A CHAIR. YOU’RE STANDING ON THE CHAIR. YOU DECIDED TO GO WITH THE ROPE… YOU’RE GONE INSTANTLY AND THERE WILL BE NO NOISE. ONE SIDE OF THE ROPE IS TIED TO THE TOP OF YOUR FAN, WHILE THE OTHER IS ALREADY AROUND YOUR NECK. YOU’RE IN TEARS, YOU KNOW IT’S FOR REAL THIS TIME. YOU CAN FEEL IT. YOU TURN ON THE VIDEO CAMERA AND JUST STARE AT THE RED LIGHT blinkING UPON YOUR EYES. YOU START TO MUMBLE OUT A FEW WORDS. “MOM AND DAD, I’M SORRY. I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M SORRY, BUT I’M SORRY. I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. I’VE LOST MYSELF AND I SEEM TO NOT FIND MY WAY BACK. PLEASE DON’T BLAME YOURSELF, PLEASE. I LOVE YOU BOTH, PLEASE TELL MY SIBLINGS THE SAME. STAY STRONG, AND STAY SAVE. I’LL SEE YOU ALL SOON.” YOU SAY SORRY TO YOUR BEST FRIEND BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU WON’T BE THERE FOR HIM ANYMORE ESPECIALLY WHEN HE NEEDS YOU MORE THAN EVER. YOU SAY SORRY TO EVERYONE YOU COULD THINK OF… EVEN YOURSELF. YOU’RE SORRY FOR NOT BEING STRONG ANYMORE. YOU’RE SORRY FOR BREAKING DOWN. YOU’RE SORRY FOR PUTTING THEM THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN IN THEIR LIFE. YOU STARE, ONCE AGAIN, AT THE RED LIGHT blinkING UPON YOUR EYES. ONE FOOT IS OFF THE CHAIR NOW AS YOU BEGIN TO MOUTH THE WORD GOODBYE. YOU HAVE THE REMOTE CONTROL TO TURN OFF THE CAMERA IN YOUR RIGHT HAND. YOUR POINTER FINGER ON THE OFF BUTTON ALREADY. YOU CLICKED THAT BUTTON AND AS SOON AS YOU SEE THAT LIGHT GO OFF, YOU GO OFF. BOTH FEET ARE NOW OFF THE CHAIR… THE CHAIR IS ON THE FLOOR… THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH SILENCE. YOU’RE DEAD. YOU’RE GONE. THERE IS NO GOING BACK. EVERYTHING IS OVER. YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE IN PAIN ANYMORE… BUT EVERYONE ELSE WILL. WHAT ARE YOUR PARENTS GOING TO THINK? WHAT ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BROTHER, OR LITTLE SISTER? WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO? YOU’RE GONE. YOU’RE DEAD. THERE IS NO GOING BACK. YOU ENDED YOUR LIFE BECAUSE THE PERSON OF YOUR DREAMS ONLY LIKES YOU ASA FRIEND. YOU ENDED YOUR LIFE BECAUSE THAT ONE TEACHER WAS HARDER ON YOU THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE CLASS BECAUSE SHE KNEW YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE THAT IS GOING SOMEWHERE IN LIFE. YOUR PARENTS ARE HOME NOW. THEY CALL YOUR NAME TELLING YOU THEIR HOME, JUST LIKE THEY NORMALLY DO WHENEVER THEY GET HOME…. BUT SOMETHING’S DIFFERENT. YOU DON’T ANSWER. THEY DON’T HEAR YOUR VOICE. THEY GET WORRIED… YOU ALWAYS ANSWER. THEY COME UPSTAIRS THINKING YOUR SLEEPING OR SHOWERING. YOUR MOM OPENS YOUR BEDROOM DOOR AND SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS. SHE INSTANTLY PASSES OUT. NOW YOUR LITTLE SISTER COMES UP AFTER HER. SHE SCREAMS “DADDY HELP!!!!” SHE RUNS OVER TO YOU HITTING YOUR LEG BEGGING YOU TO WAKE UP. “WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP”. BUT YOU DON’T ANSWER, YOU’RE NOT WAKING UP. YOU’RE GONE. YOU’RE DEAD. THERE IS NO WAKING UP. THERES NO GOING BACK. YOUR DAD COMES RUNNING UPSTAIRS AND ALL HE COULD DO IS STARE. HE WATCHES HIS BABY GIRL SWING BACK AND FORTH ON A ROPE. HE SEES THE VIDEO CAMERA AND HE SEES THE CHAIR. BUT HE DOESN’T MOVE. HE’S STIFF AS A BOARD. HE CRIES…. YOUR DAD NEVER CRIES. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE AND CALLS 911. HE CAN BARELY GET THE WORDS “MY DAUGHTER COMMITTED SUICIDE” OUT OF HIS MOUTH. HE’S IN TEARS. YOUR LITTLE SISTER STARES AT YOUR DAD. YOUR DAD HANGS UP AND YOUR LITTLE SISTER JUMPS INTO YOUR DADDY’S ARMS, CRYING HARDER THAN EVER. SHE’S TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY, BUT SHE KNOWS YOU’RE GONE. SHE KNOWS YOU’RE DEAD. THERE IS NO GOING BACK. EVERYTHING IS OVER. THE COPS FINALLY ARRIVE. THEY PUSH YOUR DAD AND SISTER OUT OF YOUR ROOM AND SIT THEM IN THE LIVING ROOM. THEY TAKE YOUR BODY DOWN OFF THOSE ROPES AND LAY YOU ON THE STRETCHER. THEY COVER YOUR BODY AND OUT YOU GO… JUST LIKE THAT. YOU’RE GONE. YOU’RE DEAD. THERE’S NO GOING BACK. NOTHING IS THE SAME. TWO WEEKS HAVE PASSED AND YOUR MOM STILL STARES OUT THE WINDOW MORE THAN HALF OF THE DAY. YOUR LITTLE SISTER STILL HASN’T RETURNED TO SCHOOL. YOUR DAD IS FORCED TO GO TO WORK SO HE CAN PAY ALL THE BILLS FOR YOUR WAKE AND FUNERAL. EVENTUALLY, THEY FOUND TO STRENGTH TO GO INTO YOUR ROOM. YOUR DOOR HASN’T BEEN OPEN FOR MONTHS. THE ROPE IS STILL LAYING ON THE FLOOR AND THE VIDEO CAMERA IS STILL SITTING ON THE TABLE. THEY DON’T EVEN DARE TO WATCH THE VIDEO, IT WILL NEVER BE SEEN. THEY SLOWLY PICK UP THE ROPE AND THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE. CHILLS RUN UP THEIR SPINE, YOUR MOM BASICALLY IN TEARS. THEY BRUSH OFF YOUR BED, MAKING IT NEAT… LIKE THEY USED TO DO EVERY MORNING AFTER YOU WENT TO SCHOOL. YOUR BED WAS MADE AND YOUR ROOM WAS CLEAN. THEY SHUT THE DOOR, AND IT REMAINED SHUT. YOUR SCHOOL IS STILL IN DISTRESS. YOU THOUGHT NO ONE CARED AND YOU THOUGHT NO ONE NOTICED YOU. THE GIRL THAT SAID NO TO BEING YOUR LAB PARTNER, YEAH SHE CUTS EVERY SINGLE NIGHT NOW BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT’S HER FAULT YOU DIED. THE BOY THAT TRIPPED YOU BY ACCIDENT AND DIDN’T SAY SORRY, YEAH HE’S IN SUICIDAL THERAPY 5 DAYS A WEEK IN A HOSPITAL BECAUSE HE FEELS A SMILE COULD OF SAVED YOUR LIFE AND HE DIDN’T GIVE THAT TO YOU. THE TEACHER THAT WAS HARD ON YOU THAT DAY, SHE QUIT HER JOB BECAUSE SHE FELT SHE WASN’T SUITED TO TEACH ANYMORE. YOU’RE GONE. YOU’RE DEAD. THERE’S NO GOING BACK. 4 YEARS HAVE PASSED. YOUR LITTLE SISTER IS NOW 15 YEARS OLD. SHE STARTED A CLUB IN HER SCHOOL DEDICATED TO YOU. “SECRETS” IS WHAT HE CALLS IT. THE CLUB IS FORMED FOR KIDS TO SPEAK THEIR HEARTS, WITHOUT ANYONE JUDGING THEM. THEY CAN SAY ANYTHING THEY WANT TO, AND TALK ABOUT ANYTHING THEY NEEDED TO. IF THEY WERE SUICIDAL, THEY ALWAYS HAD SOMEONE. THAT WAS YOUR PROBLEM. YOU DIDN’T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE. YOU HAD EVERYTHING BOTTLED UP INSIDE OF YOU. YOU ACTED AS IF YOU WERE THE HAPPIEST KID ON THE PLANET AND YOU HAD THE PERFECT LIFE. YOU PLAYED THAT CHARACTER SO WELL THAT EVEN YOU STARTED TO BELIEVE IT. YOU WOULD BE SO “HAPPY” AND AS SOON AS YOU LAYED IN BED AT NIGHT, THE THOUGHTS CAME BACK. A LITTLE FIGHT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARENTS COULD HAVE SET YOU OFF. BUT WITH EVERYTHING INSIDE OF YOU BOTTLED UP FOR YEARS, IT HIT YOUR LIMITS. YOU’RE GONE. YOU’RE DEAD. THERE’S NO GOING BACK. YOUR ROOM WILL NEVER BE OCCUPIED. YOUR MOM STILL CRIES EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. YOUR DAD ISN’T AS STRONG AS HE USED TO BE. YOUR LITTLE SISTER WILL NEVER GROW UP WITH YOU BY HER SIDE MOVING HER IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION. YOUR BEST FRIEND IS STILL TORN UP. YOUR SCHOOL NOW HAS A CLUB DEDICATED TO YOU SO TEENS WILL NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE YOU DID. YOUR LIFE WAS PRECIOUS AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY IN THE blink OF AN EYE. ALL YOU NEEDED WAS A SMILE, THAT’S ALL YOU NEEDED. BUT SINCE YOU’RE GONE, JUST KNOW PEOPLE CARED. PEOPLE ALWAYS HAVE CARED. YOU WERE JUST WAY TOO UPSET TO SEE THAT. YOU WERE JUST TOO CAUGHT UP IN THE FACT THAT YOU THOUGHT NO ONE CARED… WHEN THE TRUTH WAS, MORE PEOPLE CARED ABOUT YOU THAT YOU EVER THOUGHT THEY WOULD. YOUR TOWN WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. A GIRL IS GONE, A SPECIAL GIRL WHO THOUGHT NO ONE CARED. EVERYONE CARED. I PROMISE YOU. THEY CARE, THEY ALWAYS HAVE CARED. WE LOVED YOU, AND NO MATTER WHAT, WE WILL STILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.